What Motherhood Teaches Me about Me

Obviously, I suck at blogging.

I’m a decent writer, but thank God this isn’t my bread and butter or my family would be emaciated by now. I love writing; in fact, I think of at least 10 things to write about a day. But in the day-to-day functions of my family, they get pushed aside. I’m ok with that. I’m also a lot more OK with a lot of things. So here goes.

* The house can be a mess and the world goes on. Obviously, my goal is that everyone has clean underwear or diapers, work clothes are accessible, and there’s at least some semblance of clean utensils to eat/drink on. Everything else is a bonus.

* I will never stop worrying. I know Jesus was talking to the world at large when he said, “Don’t worry about what you will wear, etc.” He wasn’t talking to moms: he knew we would keep worrying. In the last ten months, I’ve never thought a second about what I would wear. I have worrying a billion times about having something for the baby to wear, if anything would fit him, if he was warm enough, if he was comfortable, if he didn’t look like the orphans or poverty stricken photos of children because his shirt is stained and won’t come out.

* Banana stains. Who the hell knew that before you have a baby? You don’t. You know why? Because before a baby, you just ate the banana.

* I haven’t thought this much about what I was eating since loooong before rehab for my eating disorder. Seriously: is it ok to drink coffee? Is this too spicy? Does this have any nutrients that are really good for milk? Is any of this an allergen to a new body? What about dairy? What about hormones?  Sheesh… Now, fortunately, I’ve almost always eaten very well. Blame it on 30 years of dance training and knowing that food=fuel and you will get out of your body what you put in it, but we don’t buy junk food. Ever. But it kicked into high gear when I was building a human from scratch and then feeding a human with everything my body intakes.

* I absolutely HATE to watch the news. I didn’t like it before, but now, everything from news articles on Facebook to local news has some article on child abuse, a rabid daycare center, or a child death. It’s enough to make me want to run to my sleeping baby, and just hold him for the rest of his life.

* I’ve become more judgmental and then less judgmental of every parenting practice you see. As I’ve said before, I live in a very rural city. There are things that I see that I will never, ever, EVER, do. And then there are things that I see occasionally that I will never, ever, ever, do – and then promptly do them.

* I haven’t purchased new clothes in months; my son has a great wardrobe. I’m totally fine with that. I have purchased new shoes for a body that cannot walk.

* I am obsessed with cloth diapers. Sorry-not-sorry.

* I’m the mean mommy; he doesn’t get junk food, cookies, or ice cream. His newest love is mom’s fruit smoothie and all natural peanut butter. He will probably not know what a crappy McDonald’s chicken nugget tastes like, Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, or Kool-Aid will taste like for a very, very long time. I’m fine with that. He loves momma’s mac n’cheese, mom’s nuggets, and applesauce. He’s ten months, and over 22 pounds. I think he’ll be ok.

* I’ve never been this bonded or in love with something that beats the crap out of me, bites me, yanks my hair, yells in my ear, scratches my eyes, and keeps me awake for days at a time. If anyone else did that, they wouldn’t stay around long.

* I’ve never questioned my beliefs, values, or sanity like this in my life.

* I’ve never been this in love with my husband. Seeing him as a father is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.

* I only blog when I’m procrastinating folding the laundry 🙂

See you guys soon.

 

Holy Spirit Parenting 101

There’s been more controversy over parenting styles in the last year than the Benghazi scandal.

There’s the Attachment Parenting Style, the Hug-A-Tree-Love-A-Bunny Style of Parenting, the Authoritarian/Authoritative Style, Helicopter Parenting (I kid you not – Google it) and the list goes on. But the most controversial of all of them is the Babywise/Ezzo method of doing stuff.

The people that love it claim that it has gotten their kiddos on a schedule. They sleep, eat, and cry less. Also, the children are doing well.

The people that hate it have very, very good reasons to hate it. Some of the kiddos raised in this method have developed RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and have some serious consequences.

I am not doing any of these. But as someone who is a constant researcher, I have become quite eclectic in everything I do: counseling, clothing style, and now, parenting.

Please don’t get me wrong. I KNOW that I know nothing. That’s what makes this so fun. I love asking questions, and hearing the answers. And for now, what works for us is patterns, not styles.

My son just turned one month old on Saturday. His greatest accomplishments so far are that he came out of the womb holding his head up and looking around. He loves his Boppy, and loves being propped up in it so he can watch everything around him. He HATES having a wet diaper; also, changing said diaper. There’s no win there. He also doesn’t sleep for more than 30-45 minutes during the day. So, all of those people that tell you to “sleep when the baby sleeps” need a good, solid, smacking. You can’t sleep for 30 minutes and accomplish anything.

I tell my husband that I can accomplish 3 things per day.

1. Eat
2. Laundry
3. Dishes
4. Floors
5. Fold the above laundry
6. Sleep
7. Shower
8. Pump so my boobies do not explode
9. Cook dinner

I can pick any of these three, but it cannot exceed that number.

And, honestly, I was going literally insane. I was tired to the point of hallucination, and in so much pain that I could barely walk across my house. I kept thinking that I was supposed to be doing something different than what I was doing, and it was driving me crazy.

So, at one of the many 1am, 2am, 2:30am, 3:30am, and 5am moments where I found myself awake, I just started to cry, and whine. And get so angry at my husband for things he hasn’t even done yet… and cry some more… And then it hit me:

Praying, Napping, Listening intently to Jesus

Pray. Not just pray, but PRAY… Seek after His Face and His Heart. Talk to your Dad, and get HIS PARENTING ADVICE.

Maybe, just maybe, the God who gave me this gift would know how to operate it.

So, I started researching again. This time, instead of looking for “What Am I Doing Wrong?” I looked for “What Can I Do Well?” and “What Might Work for Our Family.” Not a guarantee or a hug-the-bunny-it-turns-into-a-unicorn moment. Just a guideline.

It worked.

Why was I surprised?

I was literally surprised when prayer started working. Seriously?

Something crazy started happening: he started sleeping, crying less, and eating with regularity. He was never doing poorly: he’s been gaining almost a pound a week. But I could never keep up with him, and felt like I was being dragged around by him. Now, I know what he needs before he needs it, and I feel like I know what to expect.

So, I will probably start editing the Page Holy Spirit Parenting 101 more often, just as the Lord leads, with lessons that I’ve learned as a brand new mommy. I’m sure it’s stuff that most know already, but it’s new to me. I know that a lot of this is a learning curve, and that there’s no way to research, read books, and study up on this stuff. But I’m slowly learning to ask my Dad what my baby needs. And everyone knows Dads give the best advice anyway.

Say Something.

Little girl is always over at your house, and always hungry. She has no boundaries, and will hug you and cling to you and does not recognize the cues that you’d like her to go home.

Say Something.

Someone you kinda know, but not really, lets it slip that she has to get home at a certain time before her husband gets really angry.

A kid in your class smells bad all the time, and gets caught stealing food from the cafeteria.

Say Something.

You see some kids in your neighborhood always looking dirty, but they never say anything to anyone. Is that a bruise? You couldn’t be sure.

A teenager girl always has a boyfriend, and loves that she has a reputation for always being with “older guys” and for “giving it to anybody.” She always dresses provocatively, uses foul language, and shows up with “gifts” from her older boyfriends.

Say Something.

You see someone in church that maybe looks like a bruise under her left eye, and she jokingly refers to it as her clumsiness in action. She is always at church alone, and volunteers for everything.

Say Something.

He’s the guy that everyone loves to be around. The Man’s Man. The coach for every sport, knows every statistic, and is always working hard for his family. He’s respected in the community; people look up to him.

Say Something.

It’s time we got involved.

It’s time we stood up for someone who can’t stand up for themselves.

40% of all domestic violence victims are MEN.

30% of domestic violence victims commit suicide.

1 in 3 girls, and 1 in 4 boys will be sexually assaulted by the time they turn 18. Most of the time, the abuser is a family member.

THIS IS NOT JUST IN “BIG CITIES” OR “BACKWARDS SMALL TOWNS”

THIS IS IN OUR CHURCHES, OUR SCHOOLS, AND OUR NEIGHBORHOODS.

This has to stop.

More Than Just Marriage.

I don’t think the issue is divorce. Ever.

That “D” word has been a sensitive topic in the church for eons, and I don’t think it will ever change. Marriage is a powerful force on this earth. A good marriage is a force to be reckoned with. A great marriage just drives people crazy.

We use a scripture to prove our point, and then hammer it home with nails of shame, guilt, and anger. Malachi 2:16 does indeed say, “I hate divorce.”

Now, you can either get over it – or you can read the few chapters that comprise the book of Malachi, and gain some perspective on what God is trying to say.

He isn’t happy. In fact, I’ve never really seen in such great detail on how p!ssed God is at the Israelites.

And divorce isn’t the issue. Seriously.

When you [priests] offer blind [animals] for sacrifice, is it not evil? And when you offer the lame and the sick, is it not evil? Present such a thing [a blind or lame or sick animal] now to your governor [in payment of your taxes, and see what will happen]. Will he be pleased with you? Or will he receive you graciously? says the Lord of hosts.
Malachi 1:8

In the words of Joe McGee, “I see that one-eyed, three-legged goat that you put on my altar. You can’t breed it; you can’t sell it. But you don’t mind giving it to me.”

In other words; we’ve treated God like our garbage disposal. He’s getting our leftovers. Not our best. The Laws that tell the Jews of what is supposed to be a sacrifice are the foretelling of the Lord Jesus Christ – the final sacrifice.

The next part is a little long, but please bear with me:

And this you do with double guilt; you cover the altar of the Lord with tears [shed by your unoffending wives, divorced by you that you might take heathen wives], and with [your own] weeping and crying out because the Lord does not regard your offering any more or accept it with favor at your hand.

14 Yet you ask, Why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows].

15 And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]? Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one? Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union]. Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth.

16 For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence.
Malachi 2:13-16a

God is now calling the bluff of the men of Israel. They have divorced the wives that they married in their faith, to marry a “heathen” or Gentile. They’ve deliberately mistreated the women, so that they would run away, then they can accuse the women of leaving – according to Moses, that was grounds for divorce.

Then they griped and moaned that God wasn’t honoring their sacrifices. Really? They were unrepentant of the treachery that they had committed on the altar of the Lord, they were mistreating their wives so badly that the women were literally fleeing, and they were complaining because God somehow had a target on their back until they repented.

God hated divorce for the same reason he hated the retarded goats that were being placed on His altar: Marriage is a symbol of the Coming of Christ. We, his church, are presented as a bride to our bridegroom. And I can guarantee that God has felt like wiping out his children and not making any more. But he didn’t. He’s in love with us.

They were making a mockery of His LOVE. No wonder God was furious!

This is why I contend, and have said it before, that God isn’t mad at us for leaving abusive situations. In fact, He’s seen it before, millions of times. Men (or women) who deliberately mistreat their spouses to the extent that they leave, only so that the offending spouse can marry another or play the victim as the other one leaves.

It’s a story as old as time itself.

Proverbs refers to it again and again: The foolishness of man subverts his way [ruins his affairs]; then his heart is resentful and frets against the Lord. (Prov 19:3)

We screw something up because of our own mistakes, then we become bitter, or worse yet, think God is behind all of this. The most pious will claim that their faith is being tested and ask for prayer; instead of just repenting and changing our behavior, it becomes someone else’s fault.

God’s not super happy about that. It’s not about the divorce; it’s about what it represents. Broken hearts, broken promises, broken homes. And so many think that God’s love is just like their ex’s love; temperamental, codependent, and passive. Because someone who promised to love them changed and went back on what they said they would do, the broken heart assumes God will do the same.

And that is NOT the God I serve.

I urge those that are going through the Respect Dare to continue until the end. I hear so many, see so many that just trash their husbands: how much money they make, how little they do, etc. behind their husband’s back. Many “do their own thing” because they can’t stand the way their husbands do small things. I’m not saying that women can become that cold-hearted, but… many become so hell-bent on proving something, that they sacrifice the beautiful oneness that is an amazing marriage. For many marriages, it’s not about having an “ok” marriage but about having a GREAT one. A marriage that truly reflects God’s love and purpose is a powerful commodity!

But for those that are victims of abuse, don’t feel like you could have done something to save your marriage. The abuse was put there deliberately as an attack. It was the abuser’s fault; not the victims. Are there ways to handle someone who mistreats you – YES. If you need some pointers, go here.

But at some point, we have to climb down off the cross. Jesus was done with it; so are we.

We can admit that in our own brokenness we did things that were really stupid.

We can admit that some things were done to us that were downright evil.

We can admit and come clean with everything, and repent and know that God loves us anyway.

We can refuse to stop hurting other people because we are so engrossed in our own pain.

And we are free.

BEWARE the Online Evaluation

Ok, so I’m having a baby in like 5 weeks. My personal cell phone – where I accomplish every single thing I do during the day – has had a nervous breakdown. The bills have been sky-high recently, draining more of our finances than I think is necessary. We haven’t gone grocery shopping in a while, but have lots of “stuff” so I’m getting to be creative, and honestly kinda like the challenge. My husband’s laptop has also had a nervous breakdown. We owe more money for his school than we can pay right now, and the Army won’t get off their butt’s and call us back.

In short: it’s been a little stressful time.

Lesson learned: THAT IS NOT THE TIME TO TAKE AN ONLINE EVALUATION OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

EVAHH!!

Ok, so here’s the link to the “Free Marriage Evaluation” that we took. It’s not the worst one out there, and honestly? Both times we took it, we did pretty well. The “weakest link” was ONE area of weakness – Affection. Which we both laughed out loud on. We make our friends SICK with how affectionate we are.

I made an OJA worker nauseous just telling him about how my amazing husband sings my son to sleep every night while he is in my belly.

But apparently, I’m a little stressed.

And, yes, you did read that right: both times we took it. Actually… um… all THREE times we took it. We each did it individually… and then I made the stupidest mistake I’ve done in a while…

We took the thing together.

Two hours later… we still weren’t done. It’s a 30 question quiz. It took us all of 5 minutes to complete separately.

Well, crap.

The quiz showed me the following:

That I don’t feel appreciated or important to my husband (because he should know all kinds of things that he’d know if he could read my mind, dangit)

That I don’t feel like I get enough affection from him (even though it’s 200 degrees outside, and we’re both sweating up a storm, we’re supposed to have a make-out session every night, right?)

That I feel taken for granted.

According to my husband, he’s the worst person on the planet because I get off the sofa and refill his lemonade.

I can’t make this up.

Now, are we stressed right now and need to go over the budget so I can breathe a little easier? Yes. But for crying out loud?!! Are we really failing at our marriage because he doesn’t refill his own lemonade??!!!

I remember all of those quizzes that we as teens took in magazines about “Is He a Friend or a Boyfriend?” “What’s Your Clothing Style?” and “Are You a Go-Getter?”

then I look at the magazines we read today…

“Lose Weight with this ONE Simple Rule!” “Are you a Diva in the Bedroom?” and my personal favorite, “What’s Your Sex IQ?”

How mature of us. I mean, Cosmopolitan is SOOOO much more mature than Seventeen magazine, right?

Right?!!

cricket… cricket….

Except for the fact that every article thinks you should still weigh the same in your 30’s that you did when you were 18 or 19. Some of you can do that. I’d like those of you that do to just stop reading this, and go eat a donut or something. Thanks.

How realistic are we being here? How much truth do we put into a 5 minute quiz and then set our life goals on that? Now, some tests are pretty reliable, and I can tell you that some of the more widespread psychological testing (Myers-Briggs is all over the internet) that has been proven reliable is one thing.

But to put faith in Cosmopolitan or even a super-duper Christian counseling quiz without any amount of professional evaluation: FAIL.

So, after 2 hours of discussion, and me assuring him that he is not the worst human of all mankind, we went to bed. Now I feel like a total ingrate for everything that he does for our family, and he feels like a failure. This morning, as we got up and I made his lunch, etc. He literally tried not to thank me TOO much. So I wouldn’t get paranoid.

If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Love is Blind(ing)

“It’ll be OK.”

Sometimes that’s the best healing balm that we can muster.

But have you ever put the wrong salve on a wound? Sometimes it feels better for a moment, but it will never heal.

About 12 years ago, I was running across a parking lot and tripped. I was running fast enough that I slid across the hot asphalt for about 12 feet. If any of you have ever had road rash, you understand what I’m about to tell you.

I had to clean out the wound.

Gripping a wet washcloth in my mouth, I sat there for about 10 seconds – too much time, and I knew I’d overthink it – and grabbed the nail brush. I had gaping nastiness from my elbow to my wrist – caught in the nastiness was half a pound of gravel from the parking lot. It had to come out. The wound would never heal with all of the asphalt in there.

So… I scrubbed.

And I thought I was going to pass out.

I alternated with running COLD water and scrubby brush until I was satisfied all of the gunk was gone.

Then I went with betadine. OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhmylawd, it burned!

And then it didn’t. I felt better.

Until the next day.

I worked at a veterinary clinic at the time, and after several days of changing gross bandages, I finally let one of the doctors look at it. They were happy that I’d gotten all of the crap out of there, but were disappointed in the Neosporin/lidocaine mix that I had so liberally spread over my arm like it was baby lotion.

Finally, the oldest doctor who was 6 months away from retirement said it bluntly,

“Honey, do you want the damn thing to heal, or do you want to just feel better?”

“I can’t have both?” I asked him.

“You can have both. Just not at the same time.” He said.

Everything that I was doing to make it feel better was actually slowing down the healing process. He gave me a tube of antibiotic ointment that is normally used for eye infections. Super high-powered, and with NO analgesic qualities. None. And on almost a square foot of broken skin, it burned like crazy.

But it healed in less than a week. I barely even have a scar!!

After several days, Dr. Mitchell looked at it again.

“Why? Why didn’t you ask us to look at it that morning after it happened?”

“I guess I just didn’t think it was that bad.” I said, sheepishly. “Or I just didn’t want it to be that bad.”

“Just because something is bad doesn’t mean it’s not fixable, dearheart. Don’t ever wait in that much misery again?” He said scolding, but lovingly. Like a grandpa who just fixed a broken heart.

Fast forward 10 years. I’m sitting in a training about crisis intervention. We were going through things never, ever to say to someone going through a crisis. Number ONE thing never, ever, ever to say to someone:

“It’ll be ok.”

Her husband may leave her, and he may take the kids. She may end up getting evicted from her apartment. He may be going to prison for quite some time. She may lose her license permanently. The damage may be worse than you think. His health may really be suffering.

It may not be ok.

At least, not right then.

I remember for years I was in quite a bit of denial about how BAD things were with my (now) ex-husband. I remained in blissful ignorance until that world came crashing down…

For years, I was in denial that all the abuse I had put my body through with my eating disorder wasn’t really a big deal. I challenged that people had it WAY WORSE than I did, and they were still living…

But it really WAS… THAT Bad.

I knew anything that I did was going to be painful and probably feel like the wrong thing. But I had to do something, because the covering up that I was doing was only causing more damage.

I had to start scrubbing.

And I couldn’t worry about making myself feel better. I had to stay focused on what exactly I needed to do because it was right.

I could either “feel better” or I could start healing. I couldn’t do both.

I challenge you today to start taking an honest look at those scary areas in our lives where we are trying to make ourselves “feel better”

And decide to start healing instead.

Take an honest look:

What would you tell a friend to do in this situation?

What would you point out to them?

Accept that things will never, ever be the same again.

Because this isn’t a way to live; it is a way to die.

You will feel better, and things WILL BE OK. But it may not be for a while. God will have to put your heart back together. You will HAVE to do the hard work of facing your mistakes and failures. You will have to do things differently, probably than you’ve ever done them before in your life.

You will have to stop medicating the problem.

I know. I’m so sorry.

But get out the brushes. A cold wash cloth. And do it. Don’t overthink it. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t rationalize it away.

If you have to justify your actions, then they are not justifiable. If you have to rationalize them; they’re crazy.

Sorry.

Why Can’t We Just Be Normal?

As I move forward on subjects like boundaries and brokenness, I can’t help but wonder if I’m touching some very sensitive nerves. As women, we’ve been washed over with judgment and pity so much that we’re starting to believe the lies we’re being told. And it will be the death of femininity if we don’t know who we truly are.

We are not the Fixer of all broken situations.

We are not in charge of other people’s happiness.

If people fail at something, it’s not our fault. It’s also not our responsibility to make them feel better.

Love doesn’t fail; but it doesn’t conquer everything either. Love needs wisdom: wisdom to pick battles and to fight like crazy.

Forgiveness is awesome. Mercy is awesome. Grace is awesome. Consequences are awesome. They all teach us something.

Taking care of yourself, both emotionally and physically, is not selfishness.

Setting boundaries and consequences are not passing judgment or playing God.

If you’ve ever watched the show Intervention, you see a pattern in many addicts behavior. There is usually at least one family member that is still giving the addict money, a place to stay, or a ride to go do something dangerous. It’s quite easy to look from the outside and think, “What are you doing?? You’re not helping them!!”

But it can be very hard when it’s YOUR family member, or worse yet, the man you married. How do we salvage our relationships with those closest to us and we love the most?

How do we confront those that have hurt us the most, even while we’re still hurting?

I’ve heard it said 100 times, and it still bears repeating:

One sane individual that can make healthy and appropriate choices is better than two that are so wrapped in dysfunction that they can’t pull themselves out.

You have to move out of your own fog and stop playing victim. It’s horrible. But honestly, You can either be the Victim of your own story, or the Hero. You can’t be both. You can’t be the poor, abused little girl AND the kickboxer who stands strong and powerful.

How you see yourself is the defining moment in your relationships. If you continue to see yourself as the child, the scapegoat, the whore, the screw-up, the disappointment, the black sheep, the accident, the mistake, the orphan, the punching bag… then that is how you will confront your abuser.

If you start believing that you are an adult that is in control of your own life, who makes decisions based on what is right, what is the best decision, what is a healthy and appropriate boundary, what God’s Word says about the situation, what Logic says about the situation, and what is about health and safety… then you can put your hurt feelings aside and state the truth. Not in anger. Not in bringing up past failures and responses. Not in the heat of emotion that can make our tempers and egos flair up.

But out of Love. The Love that says,

“I love you enough to want to save your life.” “I love you enough to let you deal with your own problems.” “I love you enough to be the safest, healthiest person that I can be, so that if/when you get healthy, we can be healthy together.”

I’ve written before about decisions and excuses and how our biggest addiction is usually our past. But so many times, we argue about so many things at the same time that it just becomes a way for us to be trapped in our world of bondage – a world of our own creation.

We need people outside that world to point out things we wouldn’t notice otherwise. I’ve dealt with more than one couple who were in the cycle of alcoholism. Just like boiling a frog, they had become so accustomed to the daily dysfunction that the only thing that would be disturbing was the “New” kind of dysfunction. It had become normal that you would come home nervous about what you would find, or who you would find. It had become normal to spend $500 a month on alcohol, but only make the minimum payment on the credit card. It had become normal to go to church alone. It became normal to make excuses for someone else’s behavior.

Until someone pointed out that Normal was killing them. Normal meant being in fear, depressed, on-edge, broke, and lonely.

That doesn’t have to be Normal.

I challenge you today to think of what is Normal for your family – good and bad. Find someone that you Trust – really, really, really TRUST – and ask them about the ones you yourself are already asking about.

Find out if you’re really that “normal.”